Why was I the one he didn’t want to have mercy on? I honestly believed I deserved it. For reasons I can’t explain. I do not, for one second, think I was or am alone. Even to this day, if I think of it really hard, I still could have the same mindset . However the thing with God- He promises to “give us a future and a hope” and i honestly still don’t know what that means- but I know that it’s there, in plain site, and He’s not a man that He can lie- so I just have to rest with that at the moment .
No one can convince you that you are being abused until that Jarring of your soul that you don’t expect to see coming. Once that happens, it’s a spiritual awakening and everything takes on a whole new meaning. It happened to me, and I’m here to say- I thought I was stuck in the abuse my entire life. I never dreamed to be let out of it. I assumed it was my lot, my fate, whatever you want to call it- that God hated me, that I was being punished for some reason. There are verses in the Bible that I would go to that would confirm this- or so I thought. One that would always come to mind was Romans 9:18: “Therefore God has mercy on who He wants to have mercy and hardens Whom He wants to harden.”
You will come to see that I am, you are, we all are, on a journey, and no I haven’t “arrived” but I’m hopeful I’m prayer that I will see Good in this lifetime. God does promise this also- Psalm 27:13: “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living”. How else can that be taken? I know I am so remedial, and no I have never taken any verse at face value. I am guilty and I question it all. I do however, want to trust that He means that too. He’s our only Hope.
Shalom,
Chelley
We
One
A Survivor’s Heart 