A Survivor’s Heart

Coming to live after a near death experience

After a near death experience, many people claim they become different people: their personalities change, they become believers if they had not been before the experience , or something similar. I was no different in that it changed me, however it did wear off, I guess I could forget if I let myself, because sometimes it seems so subtle, or was it. It was as if the experience itself was such a whisper.

Right after I came back to the human experience , I was so enveloped in love that I was very confused. Nothing registered with reason and I had it took a while to “clear” my mind. I guess to put it in human terms, I was walking on cloud 9. My mother had taken me to my visit , and when she first saw me, she realized something had happened. Mother was a very devout believer , so when I told her what had happened, she accepted it right away.

I remember nothing affecting me whatsoever for a good while- maybe a few weeks. Things that had upset me before, no longer bothered me. This was a great way to live life, I though, but eventually it all wore off, and although I never did “forget”. I got used to the earth experience again, and the light, I guess you could say, started growing dim. Maybe it was a conscious decision, I am not sure, but I felt the ways of the world getting to me eventually, and I found myself submerged in my regular issues within a few weeks.

Immediately after I had my experience, I asked my mother why I had to come back. Her words have always stayed with me. “Because you have a human experience left to live”… and although I didn’t really find myself happy with that response, I knew it was true, because I had a young son that still needed his mother, and so many other things still were left to take place.

Near death experience con’t.

As I experienced the other side, I was aware in the vibration that all time is occurring together . There actually is no time, it’s just a strange concept that somehow we think we grasp in this dimension, but really we have no idea.

In that moment, I was back to being a child with the exact knowledge that me being a child in the dentist chair was the same as me being 35 years old on the dentist chair. Time has not passed, both instances were going on together, nothing could be separated .

I remember looking for something familiar on the other side. I wondered if we would have anyone that we would recognize from our human life when we cross over and I did in fact see one thing.

I was aware of laughter. I believe now that laughter was one of the only human things I found on the other side because laughter is my soul language. It has taken years and years of spiritual awakening to realize that my soul language is in fact laughing . I had to awaken to the fact of who my soul really is from birth . The more uncovering we do of our soul, of who it is when ego is cleared away, the more we start to find out who we really are.

My near death experience

I can’t say I actually died, but I must have because when I came back, the dentist was shaking me telling me to breathe. In a way I was able to access the other side without going through the trauma of a messy death.

It was amazing and bright. It was warm, and a feeling permeated it all that would have to be described as love but it was bigger. It was a feeling of good. I would have to say it was God, because God is the only true good that there is. A goodness came over me that was something familiar to when I was a baby, but then no one could put the feeling into words .

In this experience , I was aware of light. I was submerged completely in light and Good. The light was so bright and the good was so good. I didn’t see anything else that was defined other than the light and the good.

There was a vibration. I did start vibrating and that is what brought me to this place or it could be just a state of being. My whole body vibrated and I could hear it as well, but it was such a warm and familiar vibration. The whole experience was familiar. I believe each one of us, when we cross over, will be in such a welcoming, warm, and familiar environment, and that’s how I describe the entrance into this state.

Pain from a Golden Child

If you’ve ever wondered the exact meaning of a “Golden Child”, I can give you one from being married to a narcissist and it’s beyond painful. Of course anything dealing with narcissism is pain but this one hurts on a different level. If a narc had a child before you came into the picture, please be aware. It will be a tool that will cut you to the core, over and over.

Both my Marc husband and I had a child each before we met. We ended up having two together, but neither of them ever measured up in his eyes. His first child, a daughter, was a princess in the home. She had no rules, was told she could disrespect me, was taken out to eat three meals a day when she was around, while the kids and I had to stay home and eat whatever we could find, and he ignored us all when she came around.

The pain was unbearable, but he always knew how to cause the most, and his daughter was one way he knew he could. I drove a 20 year old car, which he told me many times that I didn’t even deserve it, and his daughter, the second she turned 16, was bought a brand new mustang, and if the pain wasn’t bad enough to know this, I only found out by scrolling through Facebook and seeing him post a video of her getting it at his ex wife’s house.

Please keep in mind that if you are hurting over a situation like this, it helps to know it is textbook and you, I, all of us- we are not alone. It’s going to be ok. It just takes the lightbulb coming on for each of us. May God bless you all

Love,

Chelley

Wedding night with a Narcissist

If you ever had your hopes dashed to the ground, then you aren’t alone. Maybe this happens in our life sometimes because God is taking us to depths we didn’t know existed. I surely hope none of the disappointments and tears are wasted. God says they aren’t , so I want to trust Him on this . .

So a wedding night, when you aren’t promised much, but still, you hope it to be a celebration. Then what? The second the gavel drops, it all changes. In a blink of an eye, the door slams with the keys in the car. That’s about how I can put it when we actually got married. He had me where he wanted me. I was imprisoned. I had taken the bait and the trap dropped.

How was I to know? How was any person that had been mixed up with a narcissist to know what had just happened? We were and are continually blindsided. it’s a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde that is real life, and a nightmare of nightmares. It’s a dream you are desperate to wake up from. This stems from the fact that a narcissist is so charming when they are trying to snare you, but the instant you get your way, the charming turns hideous- am ugly like you’ve never known.

In my instance, the honeymoon phase of a wedding went from excitement of our new life together, to go home and eat oatmeal and be my tool for whatever I need you for. People think this is stretching it a bit, but if anything, it’s sugar coating it. So, you wake up and find yourself in prison. Yet it doesn’t quite look like prison should look, so you spend your next how many years of the life inside a narc relationship second guessing yourself if it’s really as bad as you are thinking. If you are thinking it- it is . Trust knows. It’s the ego that second guesses.

Love,

Chelley

The courtship

So yes, I was told by my pastor that God for sure brought my narc husband and me together. How could I date doubt it? The trials had to be learning tools for me that God was working something. Or so I thought? From the beginning it was hard but I just wanted to be better and better. At times I would get so frustrated and disgusted by him, but then after a few days he would convince me that relationship was about compromise and I would carry on.

Little by little, I was developing some sort of co dependent trauma bond, and I didn’t even realize it. Since I felt it was a Godly relationship (because of where I met him and what my pastor friend said), I guess I was willing to go through fire. I had already failed so much in relationships, I was determined not to do it again. That means I would take the blame for everything. Although I knew deep down something was off, I still chose to believe that God takes us ways we don’t know.

Even to this day, as I think about the pain and wonder why God allowed it to happen, I still have to trust that it was for good. No one crosses our paths by accident, and no matter what we choose to believe, even if it didn’t have a “happy” ending, surely it was vital to what our souls needed to find ourselves getting to where we had to go.

Love,

Chelley

What if it seems like you were tricked

People say to pray for a Godly spouse. I did. I prayed my whole life for one actually. I truly prayed to my depths, but I think back, and all we can do is the best we know to do at the time.

I was coming out of not one divorce, but two. Yeah that one is hard to say. The first one lasted 10 years and the second, two months. I was already a complete failure at marriage- but that didn’t mean I wasn’t a Christian. I was. Truly. So if someone can say you won’t go through “certain things” if you are serving God, they are completely wrong, and haven’t seen their life trial yet. I believe we all have one, or four, and no telling how many more that I will see, that shake to the core.

Back to where I was going with this- I was four years out of my blink of an eye marriage, and I started going to Bible study. There was a nice man I met, and all my close friends thought he was so kind and he actually asked me out. I just “knew” it was from God. Here’s my verse I questioned- Mathew 9:11 “or if he asks for fish, he will not give him a snake, will he?”

I mean I has my preacher swear to me, by the way it came about, that God for sure put us together. And yes, I look back on it now, and God did- He doesn’t make mistakes, but it certainly wasn’t for the reason I had hoped. However looking back one day, I’m sure I’m going to thank Him. That will be a glorious day for me!

Love,

Chelley

I must be crazy

I think I second guessed myself no less than 1,000,000 times as to whether I was crazy or not. I always thought it was all my fault . Could I dare be prettier, smarter, make more money, just anything ?? That would make all the problems go away- I was sure. I guess some people might go a whole lifetime and not have eyes opened to this, so honestly, to say 10 years was forever- it really isn’t. At least it did finally happen, and each day I’m getting stronger. Stronger in knowing that I truly truly didn’t deserve everything that was happening to me. Actually no one does. No one deserves to be mistreated.

My mother used to tell me she feared for the life of someone who was mistreating one of God’s children and I saw it first hand in her life. However my life didn’t take the same path as hers and it didn’t really come to pass where I saw God get revenge on the hurts that we’re caused to me. I wanted to believe that was true, but so far, I haven’t seen it. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hopeful. I think what it’s saying at this point is that God is doing a new thing in my life, and I want to trust that it will be better than I could ever imagine.

With all of us, that our lives could be better than we ever dreamed to imagine.

Love,

Chelley

From the beginning

Why was I the one he didn’t want to have mercy on? I honestly believed I deserved it. For reasons I can’t explain. I do not, for one second, think I was or am alone. Even to this day, if I think of it really hard, I still could have the same mindset . However the thing with God- He promises to “give us a future and a hope” and i honestly still don’t know what that means- but I know that it’s there, in plain site, and He’s not a man that He can lie- so I just have to rest with that at the moment .

No one can convince you that you are being abused until that Jarring of your soul that you don’t expect to see coming. Once that happens, it’s a spiritual awakening and everything takes on a whole new meaning. It happened to me, and I’m here to say- I thought I was stuck in the abuse my entire life. I never dreamed to be let out of it. I assumed it was my lot, my fate, whatever you want to call it- that God hated me, that I was being punished for some reason. There are verses in the Bible that I would go to that would confirm this- or so I thought. One that would always come to mind was Romans 9:18: “Therefore God has mercy on who He wants to have mercy and hardens Whom He wants to harden.”

You will come to see that I am, you are, we all are, on a journey, and no I haven’t “arrived” but I’m hopeful I’m prayer that I will see Good in this lifetime. God does promise this also- Psalm 27:13: “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living”. How else can that be taken? I know I am so remedial, and no I have never taken any verse at face value. I am guilty and I question it all. I do however, want to trust that He means that too. He’s our only Hope.

Shalom,

Chelley

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